Finding my happy

Even a year ago if I had written to this question, I would not have said that running is what makes me happy - but it is now. A year ago, though, it was miserable. Not fun, just a chore.

Now, however, I hate when I can't run. I get jittery. I'm not me. I'm guessing if you pat attention in class, you could easily tell when I haven't run enough that week. My knee will bounce just a little more. I tap my foot. And - oddly enough 0 even though I"m more jittery, I'm more sluggish. I'm tired and don't feel as energetic. I also tend to be a little cranky.

One run fixes all of that though. AS soon as I put on those bright pink shoes and step out the door, everything changes. I feel more alert (OK - that may be from needing go go super fast because the wind is biting at my face, making me miserable). I have no worries. All I have to do is keep pounding the pavement.

Any stress I had before melts away; I have plenty of time to think about what's bothering me. I run through scenarios. Pan it all out. Figure out solutions or at least figure out that it doesn't matter, and I don't need to worry about it anymore.

What's amazing is that it works. I can start a run all stressed out because i have too much to do. But after about a mile, it doesn't matter any more. My shoulders relax; there's no more knot. It all just goes away.

Part of the joy of it is that I'm left alone to my own thoughts. I don't have to explain anything to anyone, I don't have to deal with anyone, and I don't have to think about anything. I can just be. It's because of this reason that I don't run with music. I'm happy being completely unplugged. It allows me to listen to me and things in nature I don't normall take time to listen to. The "silence" helps bring about a zen-like state.

Now, don't get me wrong - sometimes running does not make me happy. There are some runs that are difficult. Muscles ache. Lungs scream. My face burns from the cold. But, these runs are becoming fewer in number.

And, honestly, as miserable as those runs are, they make the other ones ten times better. They make me appreciate how far I've come in this pavement pounding journey. It also helps to ensure that the joy I get from running doesn't diminish because it isn't a constant. It changes frequently. So, unlike a drug addict, I don't always need more. Sometimes, I just need better - and that better is in constant flux.

Running has made me a better person. Physically and emotionally. I don't get sick as often, and when I do, it doesn't last as long. My mental state is better. I'm happier; I don't get down as much. I push myself more because I know I can.

I didn't realize I would find joy in it when I started more than a year ago, but I did. Now, I know that if I'm tired, mad, upset, sad or stressed, I need to go out - even if it is only a mile - because those few minutes outside will help me return to normal.