I had a tape of The Beatles when I was in first grade. I remember listening to it frequently but then I just stopped. New Kids on the Block became cooler.
And then The Beatles Anthology aired on ABC when I was a sophomore in high school. Everything changed as I watched it. I recorded it, and my mom was convinced I was going to wear out the tape. I was obsessed. I couldn't get enough.
Soon, I became known as The Beatles freak. I could quote off tons of trivia. I pored over any books I could get my hands on. I was a walking/talking Beatles encyclopedia.
Like any Beatles fan, I quickly had my favorite - John (although I can remember when I was little, I thought Ringo was awesome, but that was probably mostly because of his name). When trying to think of a reason why he's my favorite - I don't know if I can give you a specific one. I think it boiled down to his sarcasm and the lyrics to his songs. I connected more to them than any of Paul's or George's - although I have to admit, George's songs are musically amazing. But, John's had more of an angsty edge to them - and that spoke perfectly to my teenage self.
It wasn't just Lennon's lyrics that created my "awestruckness." His voice could just convey rock and roll. Listen to that original cut of Twist and Shout, Mr. Moonlight, Hey Bulldog, I'm a Loser - he shreds his voice and makes it sound like REAL rock and roll. He oozes blues. Pain. Suffering. There's an insane amount of feelings rolled up into those songs. It makes the lyrics even "more." His vocals finish what he scribbled on to paper before they stepped into that studio to record them for history.
But, I did become torn as I learned more about him. He had huge demons. Extreme substance abuse. Abandoning his first son/first life. Abusing his first wife. All things I was against.
When I was younger, I tried to ignore these things. I wrote off the fact that he frequently made fun of handicapped people - or people who were different from him - because everyone did it. I decided that his genius overwrote all the bad. Basically, I ignored it.
But as I got older, I've had a harder time with it. I do think it goes back to his demons as a kid and not wanting to admit that he needed people because his father left and his mother was killed in front of him. I don't like it, but it is part of who he is.
What has never changed, though, was my admiration for his music. Two years ago, as I stood in front of the place he got shot and then moved on to the Imagine mosaic at Strawberry Fields in Central Park, I got chills. His music was/IS so important that it makes me sad his life was cut short. I got teary eyed- but not as choked up as I did on the 20th anniversary of his death. That was ridiculous. I can still remember calling my mom, barely able to talk through the tears and just choking out:"It's so sad. And so unfair."
Then there was the trip to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame where I was bad and touched his bed. I couldn't help it. That, of course, was before I saw his bloody glasses and stained shirt from that horrible December night in 1980. It made it real.
I think what I really came to terms with is that no one is perfect. We may put stars up on pedestals but they have their own issues just like we do.
I use Lennon's lyrics frequently for motivation/reminders to just be. From "all you need is love" to "life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans" to all of Imagine - there's a wealth of knowledge from someone who was so flawed. I guess when I look back on it all, it tells me more about me than I realized. I can be a great person who tries to be the best I can even if I may make mistakes from time to time.
Lennon was flawed, but when it comes down to it - his lyrics show us that he was trying to be a better person by trying to make the world a better, happier place because he truly was a dreamer.
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